These days, my 12-year-old son has been right in the thick of PSLE prep.
Longer days at school filled with supplementary and remedial classes up to four times a week, school days filled with endless timed practice mock papers, and the standing down of most non-academic activities are all par for the course for a child sitting for their PSLE in Singapore.
While he was once full of energy upon coming home from school even after a long day of CCA in school or football training, he’s now always tired, and says his limbs and head feel heavy.
Every family will have their own way of navigating the PSLE with their child. For us, it means being extra intentional in showing small, everyday acts of kindness to my son.
Of course, this doesn’t mean they magically stop squabbling during this period. But the siblings really try their best to give in to their PSLE-besieged brother, letting him have the last chicken wing on the tray, for instance, or letting him have first dibs at choosing a TV show to watch when he’s catching a study break.
These acts of kindness, while small, are heartfelt, and our family’s way of showing him that he’s not alone in his high-stress PSLE endeavour.
More than that, these small kindnesses are my way of telling him that while we can’t change the system as we know it, we can change the way we approach it, and that makes a world of difference.
After all, studies have shown that parents do play a big role in how much academic stress our children feel – a 2016 Arizona State University study found that students whose parents who exerted more pressure on them to perform academically actually obtained worse scores in school; and worse still, ended up having more learning problems and behavioural issues.
Creating Breathers
Some people thrive in stress. But for most of us, when we’re stressed and feeling burnt out, we need to step back, take a moment to catch our breath again, before we dive back in. In such situations, the common advice we get is “be kind to yourself”. To take a breather, do something that you love.
During this season of exams, it’s hugely stressful for most of our children even without us piling on extra stress. It definitely is the case for my son.
Other than all that happens in school, he also tries to put in some revision at home, doing more practice papers in the subjects he needs more work in. By most evenings, he’s mentally and physically exhausted.
“Son, do you want to swim or walk together after dinner?” is a question I ask him most evenings.
Some days, he says yes with a small smile on his face, and we head out as a family for that short walk around the neighbourhood.
We stop by the basketball court and he plays some frisbee with his siblings, and we take in the sunset on the way back home.
Some days, he’s too tired to head out and says he just wants to stay home to watch some TV.
Regardless of what he wants to do, I always remind him to take that breather too, sometimes creating that breather for him if he’s too overwhelmed.
He’ll learn that being kind to himself in these small ways are sometimes the most effective ways of thriving in a stressful system like Singapore’s.
No Comparisons
“Mum, I got AL2 for my English Paper 2! But my friend got AL1…” is what he innocently tells me these days, with practice papers being marked and returned almost every other day.
The comparison is so easy to make, but I’ve been trying hard to focus on where my son is and what he needs to do.
Singapore kids are objectively largely worried about how they do when compared against their peers.
I remind him that it really doesn’t matter how his friends do, unless it’s because he’s worried about someone who doesn’t seem to have done well or if he’s happy for someone who has.
While making comparisons theoretically can motivate you to do better and as a means of checking your progress, I personally feel that drawing comparisons results in more harm than good for my children.
In the 2017 Programme for International Student Assessment (Pisa) test conducted by the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD), 72% of Singapore students said that they were anxious about what other people would think of them if they failed in a test.
According to this study, Singapore kids are objectively largely worried about how they do when compared against their peers.
And while my son doesn’t seem to be negatively affected by his friendly comparisons among his classmates thus far, I don’t want him to cultivate the habit of always viewing his own achievements against those of others.
So this PSLE season, I’ve been reminding him (and myself) to drop the comparisons. Never mind if the top score for Math at Prelims was 99.5. Never mind if his classmate had already received three DSA Confirmed Offer letters.
“Let’s just focus on your own journey, ok son? You’re doing good so far, I’m proud of you,” I remind him regularly, and he tells me he appreciates this very much.
“Thanks mom, I know. I love you too.”
Using Words That Affirm
I’ll admit that I’m not the gentlest with the words I use with my children. I can be sarcastic, snappy, and curt, especially when I’m grumpy.
This PSLE season, I’ve been trying my hardest to be extra intentional with the words I use when I speak to my son.
When he tells me about the practice papers he’d done in school, I try my very best to pull back the first thought that comes to mind: “Why did you get that wrong again?”, replacing that with “Tell me about the questions you managed to solve?”
As a writer, I know too well that words have power. Of course I should always choose words that are filled with kindness, tenderness, and love. Sometimes I fall short, when tempers fray amid the stress of running my household smoothly while keeping an eye on my PSLE child and my own work deadlines.
When this happens, I do my best to acknowledge my mistake and apologise. It’s an ongoing work-in-progress, and I’m proud to say that the slip-ups have been less frequent these days.
So from one PSLE mum to another, let’s all do our best to show small kindnesses to our children during this period.
The stresses of our education system aren’t going anywhere overnight, but how we respond to them is entirely within our control.
Maybe I’m being idealistic, but I believe that choosing kindness in our homes will provide a supportive and motivational emotional environment for our children to face their PSLE stresses with strength and resilience.
How are you showing your support to your children?
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