I think it’s a very common sentiment, when someone we know experiences the loss of a loved one, revisiting memories and conversations about them immediately becomes “forbidden”—Are they OK? Will asking them how they’re doing cause them to dissolve into tears? Can I even bring up that person?
Personally, I rarely talk about or even think about death. It’s intimidating to bring up or ask about loss, and yes, I worry about whether I’ll offend others if I ask—it’s really often easier to err on the side of caution.
Plus, I’ve been brought up with the “don’t kaypoh” mindset. “Val, don’t go and bother others about sensitive topics like this.” A direct quote from my parents whenever we pass by void deck funerals, or whispered advice when we’re about to meet up with someone who’s recently lost a loved one.
So, for me—death is taboo. We don’t touch it, we don’t think about it, we don’t talk about it. But recently, I spoke to a Gen Z about death and asked her, “How can we be kinder to those who have lost someone?”
Chloe honestly shared her personal experiences with loss—losing her grandmother and her best friend in a short period of time last year. And in our conversation, I also got to bring up the usually awkward-to-ask questions: What happened? When did it happen? How do you feel about it?
Perhaps most are simply uncomfortable with speaking about death, fearing it may bring up feelings of hurt too soon and trying to be considerate by skirting around the topic. I was one of them.
And I say was, because what I’ve learnt from our conversation firsthand is the hurt may still be fresh, but because they are gone, it doesn’t mean their memory is. For some, speaking about their loved ones and fond memories helps comfort them. And for others, this may not be the case. Without actually asking, you’ll never know.
But what I can tell you is that when someone takes initiative to bring up the loss of a loved one, it’s a good sign that they want to talk. Don’t focus on the fact that they’re gone, talk about them: their passions, hobbies, and revisit fond memories together.
And about being kinder to those who have lost someone? You’ll find Chloe’s answer in the video above.