Growing up, I always wished I were nicer.

I really wanted to be nice and all it entailed, because it seemed that nice people had the magical ability to turn any awkward social situation into a pleasant one.

And yet, I really struggled to be nice. I dislike small talk. I disliked agreeing with things I didn’t believe in, just to appease the majority and avoid conflict. I disliked smiling when I didn’t feel like it.

Not the nicest mum

“I don’t say yes to all their requests… but they will tell you I’m an honest mum.”

As a mum today, I’m not the nicest mum around. My kids will be quick to tell you that I have a ready retort for many of the things they say or do, and that on days when I’m completely wiped out, I can barely squeeze out a half-smile.

I don’t say yes to all their requests for game time, TV, or new purchases. But they will tell you I’m an honest mum, that I care for them deeply and want the very best for them even if it means some degree of unhappiness today, and that I love them with all my heart.

I struggled to come to terms with the kind of person and now mum that I am. I’m not a nice person or mum all the time. But when I look at my daily actions and what motivates them, I can say now with certainty that I’m as kind a mum to my children as I could hope to be.

Nice vs Kind


Nice people are appreciated everywhere they go. Their easy charm, pleasant smiles, and warm greetings put you at ease too. In social contexts, being nice looks like wanting to make others feel comfortable and accepted, with feel-good words and sometimes, actions. It’s about doing things that other people like.

Kind people, however, may not be immediately well-liked or welcomed, because sometimes their actions may not be obviously pleasant. They are often motivated to do the right thing, sometimes at the cost of social pleasantries. Kind people aren’t kind to gain acceptance or approval – they’re kind because they genuinely want to help others.

It honestly feels a lot more worth it to be nice than to be kind; the immediate ROI on being nice seems much more attractive, right?

Being a nice vs a kind mum.

If I were concerned with being nice, I’d be constantly trying to accede to all my kids’ requests, and would never scold them, because they’d be unhappy. I’d want my children to like me all the time.

“It honestly feels a lot more worth it to be nice than to be kind.”

However, in choosing to be a kind mum, I’m unafraid to hold boundaries even at the cost of my child’s current happiness, like sticking to a fixed screen time schedule, or limiting unhealthy snacks.

My children would definitely not be happy all the time, with these boundaries in place. There’s certainly lots of tantrums, whining, and big emotions, which we ride through together everyday.

But giving in to them would be unkind to them, because these choices would harm them in the long run.

That’s not to say I’m completely oblivious to the unhappiness they inevitably show me when we enforce these boundaries. I always try to stick to the same restrictions as them, to tell them that I’m in this with them every step of the way.

Raising Kids Who Care

In our home, we’re intentional about differentiating niceness and kindness, and we model this to our children as best as we can. Personally, I try to show the children how to consider others’ needs and not just our own – whether it’s volunteering at their school, being considerate on the road, or setting healthy social boundaries by doing the same for myself.

Kelly (writer) playing with her girls. Image source; Kelly Ang

As a result, the children have learnt to put the needs of their siblings over their own, practising kindness in the small everyday things that they do, in their own little ways.

Small Acts, Big Lessons

“They’re not always nice to each other… But when push comes to shove… they try to show genuine care.”

My oldest daughter often buys her brothers a nugget from her school canteen with her own saved-up pocket money, because she knows they like the nuggets from her school. She also carries her younger sisters’ water bottles in her backpack when we head out, to help lighten my already-heavy diaper bag because the little ones often hand me their bottles to carry.

When we head out, I usually pack a bag full of assorted snacks and fruit, and the children then ask each other what they prefer, and if more than one wants the same snack, they share it. The older kids often give their younger siblings more of the food they like.

Left: Siblings helping Tobias with his homework, Right: Isabella buying her siblings nuggets. Image source: Kelly Ang

Just last month, one of my children realised he had forgotten to do a bunch of homework the night before school after a week-long school holiday. His siblings rallied around him, sitting with him at the dining table as he rushed to finish.

The next day, he told me his panic eased when he saw how his siblings supported him, and he really appreciated them for it.

They’re not always nice to each other – there’s plenty of yelling and shoving going on at home all the time. But when push comes to shove, in the quiet, everyday moments at home, I can see that they try to show genuine care for each other, sometimes at the expense of their own wellbeing… And that, to me, is a sign that they are learning to choose kindness everyday.

This Mother’s Day, let us know what’s one thing your mum has taught you?